Style Conversational Week 1208: We’re really, most sincerely done with 2016 But it did provide a great source of humor for the year’s Style Invitational winners In Manhattan’s Times Square on Dec. 28, people had a chance to “smash their bad memories” of 2016. They got a lot of exercise. (Alba Vigaray/EPA) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // December 29, 2016 On Dec. 8, just after the death of John Glenn was announced, Loser Eric Murphy joked grimly to me on the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook page: “Hey Pat, I assume you are being given a full-page spread for the obit poem contest this year, right?” And that was before the deaths of Alan Thicke and Craig Sager and Henry Heimlich and Zsa Zsa Gabor andd Richard Adams and George Michael and Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, and hey, as I write this, we still have 2 1/2 days left in 2016 — a year that people on social media have cutesily been addressing like a person: “2016, will you get over with?” (Presumably people will stop dying once the ball drops in Times Square.) To answer Eric, I doubt that our Week 1208 contest will get any more real estate than the usual half page within the Arts & Style section — but I do feel certain we’ll get more entries than usual in this annual contest. How do you write something funny/clever but not cruel about someone who’s died? First off, you don’t rejoice at the death unless that person is, by general acclamation in this society, an out-and-out villain (e.g., Osama bin Laden, or that guy who kept three women hostage in his house). Funny wordplay about the person’s afterlife in Heaven is welcome, but generally not the same about the person’s new headquarters Down There. The poem doesn’t have to be about the person’s death; it can be more general or concern just one episode of a life, as in Gene Weingarten’s verse about Florence Henderson and the on-screen son who had a crush on her. The name of the person can be in a title rather than in the body of the poem. And despite the long list of entertainment celebrities who’ve unwittingly gained eligibility for this year’s contest, some of our best obit poems have been of little-known people. In fact, our winner in last year’s contest, by Kathy Hardis Fraeman, didn’t even mention the poor woman’s name (one more way not to be unnecessarily cruel): /Woman who accidentally killed herself while adjusting her bra holster”: / She got herself a push-up bra That had a single fatal flaw. It didn’t just support her charms; This bra was meant for bearing arms. But holster bras should not be trusted, Since bras are always readjusted. Sad to say, dear gun-nut crazies, “Push up” now refers to daisies. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.) For you Loserbards who are new to the Invitational, it’ll behoove you to draw some guidance and inspiration from any of our dozen or so previous obit poem contests. The easiest way to do that is to head over to Loser Elden Carnahan’s Master Contest List and search on “died.” Most of those hits (starting in 2004, after the Empress deposed the Czar) will be for a contest headlined “Dead Letters” or “Post Mortems.” Check the week number, then scroll down four rows, for the contest in which the results to that contest ran. Well, it was a good year for US: A sampling of 2016 Inkin’ Memorial winners In preparing to judge the next two contests — two weeks in which you could enter almost any of the previous year’s challenges — I’ve been looking over the past year’s winners, and wanted to share some of these greatest hits in a single list (sorry, I can’t list /all,/ but do check that Master Contest List). Each of the entries below was the week’s top winner; they’re listed chronologically. /From the Week 1152 retrospective contest: / *Week 1110, Someone’s Mama jokes: * Yoda’s Mama is so dumb, she talks like this. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.) *Week 1154, song parodies about animals; *this one is about the dentist who shot a lion that turned out to be the renowned Cecil: /Dr. Palmer’s Blues / /To “Sixteen Going on Seventeen” from “The Sound of Music” / //Orthodontists hadn’t confronted you Till I took deadly aim. First I took pride in your homicide, But now I just take the blame. What a bungle out in the jungle to Shoot myself in the foot. All explanation’s flossed in translation, Seems my repute’s kaput.  How I’m abused and vilified for going on that hunt;  Mobs yell it’s I who should have died, and that I’m just a very bad person. New adventures now involve dentures, No more the lion’s roar. Tooth extraction’s quite enough action. Big shot I’m not — just small bore. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland) *Week 1157, crossword clues: * LIE: Dead politicians continue to do this in their graves (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Week 1160, redefine existing words: * PERMUTATION: How Chernobyl Fried Chicken offers refunds. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) *Week 1163, spell a word backward and define the result:* QARI: A deep hole the government throws billions into. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.) *Week 1164, which-is-true questions a la “Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me”:* /A London resident showed his love for Burger King how? / A. He officially changed his name from Simon Smith to Bacon Double Cheeseburger. B. He held his wedding in the Burger King on Tottenham Court Road, complete with the presiding official dressed as the King, and the couple exchanging onion rings with their vows. C. He stole the Burger King statue from a local restaurant, and demanded free Chicken Fries for life as the “king’s ransom.” /Answer: A, per Time.com/ (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Week 1165, neologisms beginning with B* (judged by Invite Double Hall of Famer Brendan Beary): Bieberschnitzel: German for “mediocre cut of meat.” (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md.) *Week 1167, link any two terms from a list we gave: * *Hillary’s emails* are just like* three inches of snow*: not enough to keep you from running for the office, but danged if they don’t make the route hell. (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.) *Week 1168, jokes requiring specialized knowledge to understand: * Q. Why were the French tourists in D.C. embarrassed when they took their toddlers to the National Zoo? A. The kids started yelling, “Seal! Seal!”* *The French word for seal is /phoque./ (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) *Week 1170, “breed” any two horse names from a list of Kentucky Derby nominees and name the “foal”:* Perfect Saint x Caribbean = Francis Of A C Sea (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Week 1172, write something using only the words from the song “American Pie”: * The Quartet Looking for the American Crown On the left: The Queen — bride of a man we recall; did write a book; knew sergeants died. The Pink-oh — off the Marx; children admire him. On the rite: The Jester: in tune with American rage; can fire every one; fat hands; foul. And last, the Bible Lover’s Man: not American-born; singin’ “no levee”; no friend, no chance. The verdict: not good. (Mary Kappus, Washington) *Week 1174, “breed” two inking entries from Week 1170 to name a “grandfoal”:* Autocorrect: Nose x Señor Moment = No Sé (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.) *Week 1177, song parodies about the presidential campaign: * /(To the Major-General’s Song by Gilbert and Sullivan)/ I am the very model of a presidential candidate Whose every word has made The Don the most revolting man, to date. I ended Lyin’ Ted, he’s just a microscopic speck to me; On Clinton, I’m performing a political mastectomy. Since Barry said that gays can wed, a champion to them is he; I’ll overturn the court, we’ll see who really has supremacy! When dirty thugs fight whites, they lead this country to the coroner; I’ll end this racial dissonance by banning every foreigner. We’ll build a wall that’s greater than that Lego fort of China’s is; Our country will be pure at last — there won’t be any minuses! My Donald-centered plans have left the voters in excited states, So soon I’ll be the president and run these Disunited States. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.) *Week 1178, collective nouns: * TWO SQUARE MEETERS of Mormon missionaries (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) *Week 1183, if x were more honest: * If salespeople were more honest, they wouldn’t keep asking, “Can I be honest with you?” (Annette Green, Lexington, Va.) *Week 1186, poems based on the anagram of someone’s name: * EDGAR A. POE to EGO PARADE Once upon a dark convention, full of fear and apprehension, After many strange and hateful speakers from the GOP— Came the climax, pessimistic, altogether chauvinistic, With an empty, egotistic pledge to fix things by decree: “Only one knows how to do it, and of course that one is ME!” Quoth the ravin’ Donald T. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) *Week 1187, drop the last letter of a word to make a new word: * Obamacar: The glitchy second-rate vehicle your partner made you get because it was cheaper, and now constantly complains about. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.) *Week 1189, limericks featuring “ge-” words:* Shirley lied, “I’m just fat. I got stressed, ate More dining hall food than the rest ate.” Her mom jerked a thumb At the freshman’s huge tum Before bellowing, “Shirley, you gestate!” (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) *Week 1194, bogus word derivations: * /America:/ Concatenation of the Spanish /amé/ and /rica;/ rough translation: “I love the wealthy.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) *Week 1195, alter a movie title without changing any letters: * Rebel Without ACA Use: After losing one too many knife fights, a teenage loner signs up for Obamacare. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.) *CHEERING AIDS: THE ‘SILVER LININGS’ OF WEEK 1204* Really, it hasn’t gotten a whole lot easier for me to read the news or chat with someone about the incoming regime: My most frequent strategy is to say, “Well, it’ll be interesting to see what happens.” And then switch the car radio to music or change the subject to the exceeding adorability of my cat, Joey. But reading a thousand or so bright-side thoughts — nearly all of them bitterly disingeunous — was something of a diversion. It would have been futile to aim for anything close to a pro-Trump/anti-Trump balance; the few non-anti were mostly jabs about the White House interns being safe from the First Spouse. The four “above-the-fold” winners this week are all Invite regulars — Kevin Dopart has won the Invite 25 times now, and runners-up Art Grinath, Ward Kay and Beverley Sharp have blotted up 377, 83 and 650 splotches of ink over the years, respectively. But there was a lot of ink from newbies — three First Offenders this week — and rarities as well; for instance, it’s the 10th blot of ink for Allan Breon, but his first since Week 551 in 2004, the Empress’s first year. *What Doug dug: * The faves this week of ace copy editor Doug Norwood were Art Grinath’s runner-up about how global warming can help us invade the North Pole in the War on Christmas; Neal Starkman’s “anyone can be president,” the best of numerous entries on that theme; Duncan Stevens’s on the threat of Gold Star parents, etc. (just on the edge of bitter screediness, I thought); and Dave Airozo’s eagerness at watching the release of pent-up congressional racism, “like loosening a belt after Thanksgiving dinner.” *And why copy chief Courtney Rukan doesn’t judge The Style Invitational: * “Is it all right if I say every single last one made me laugh – or cry just a little? Inspired entries this week. Thanks, Obama!” *This one would need a lead lining: The Unprintable: * “Things are looking up for the wire coat hanger industry!” (Nan Reiner) Nope. Happy New Year to you all — and it’s not too late to sign up for the Jan. 14 potluck. Email me if you’d like an Evite or lost the first one. We’re currently at 72 people — both the Usual Suspects and some who’ll be at their first Loser event — so don’t expect a lot of sprawling space.